Mélancolie Noire de la Nuit

2007-11-12T00:02:00.001+08:00

This is the last time.

2007-09-26T05:35:00.000+08:00

You know you can bring me up to the highest mountain, with just a touch.
You know you also have the power to put me down to the bottom of hell, with just one word.
If picking myself up and crumbling down again for a million times is the only way to prove my love for you is true, I will do it.
With your smiles, kisses that i tried all means and ways to obtain and touches that you gave unconsciously, I'll hang onto the tinniest glimmer of hope to have you back.

Because,
Holding you in my arms, feels like coming home.
Seeing you enjoy eating what I cook fills me with humility and contentment that I didn't know was possible.
Making you laugh and smile makes me feel complete.
When you rest your head on my shoulder as you sleep, I feel at peace with the world around me.
Holding your hand in mine, the jigsaw puzzles fit perfectly.
Your scent, clouds my mind and senses.
Your lovely, smooth skin on mine electrify my whole being.

To lovers, falling asleep with the one you love in your arms is a mundane thing.
To me, who's been falling asleep with the ghost of us, with you in my arms again for just one night.
It's God's gift.
Thank you.

2007-09-24T05:32:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I'm feeling so much that I don't even know how to express myself...
Where to start from...
What to say...
Where to end

I'm listening...
I'm feeling...
I'm thinking...
But I'm not saying.

I want...
I need...
I yearn...
And I hope.
But it's not happening.

Maybe I've got too much time on hands now...
That I've got no where to run.
Yet I'm so tired of myself.
The endless layers of me.
It's really a lethal combination that I'm made of.
Virgo + Scorpio.
The logical, practical and optimistic me versus the emotional, intense and pessimistic me.
Do you know how it feels to always be at war with myself internally?
Torn apart.

It's warped. So morbidly warped.
Twisted. Tormented. Trapped.
In an invisible yet vivid web of intangible memories.

Life's at a standstill.
I stand motionless, in the colors black and white
Starring into space, blindly.

2007-09-22T05:39:00.001+08:00

Damn... i'm typing with only one and a 'half' hand. Feels super invalid...
Cant pull up my pants when I finish my business in the toilet...
Cant cook cos I cant wash up after myself...
Cant feed myself proper too...
Cant open plastic bottles properly...
Cant wash the right side of my body properly while bathing... (thank god it doesnt itch!)
Cant put on my clothes easily too!!
Cant iron my clothes before i go out... ( so forgive me if I look unkempt to you)
Cant cut my fingernails on my right!!! (disgusting!)

Life sucks.
But Grandma, missy, Missy's mom and princess made life bearable and even enjoyable.
Thanks.

It's abit sucky to be down in a situations like this while my whole family is not in town!!
I feel bad when my grandma comes over and do the household chores i'm suppose to do but cant.
I hate it. I even have to fight with her to wash a cup!!
I don't like to see my grandma doing these things. She works as a janitor in the day. It's a tough occupation.
It breaks my heart when the image of my petite and fragile grandma washing toilets or cleaning up after someone creeps into my mind.
I love her to bits.
I know she loves me too and doesnt mind boiling water to make i have hot water to make a cup of coffeefor myself. But i dont even want her to carry the kettle full of water.
I know she doesn't like to be treated like she's really frail and wrinkled. But i just dont want her to do those heavy chores.
Sigh.

It really comforts my soul to have princess and missy-diva around.
I dont feel like i'm alone. thank you.

However, I realized there's different kinds of loneliness...
I remember feeling lonely when I was still with her... a long time ago...
I was happy but still lonely though she was by my side. A melancholic, sad kind of loneliness.
Knowing that the one I love so deeply, doesn't really understands me, my thoughts, my beliefs, my hopes and dreams.
But doubts my love for her perpetually.

Now surrounded by besties and buddies who do understands me and cares for me, I'm still lonely.
Not that I'm not understood... not that my dreams are not heard.
Mind you, I'm not complaining. Just writing what i'm feeling.
And this loneliness is strangely bearable... it's just that...
I miss the feel and the closeness of a lover's embrace...

Yet, I have no desire to commit myself to another anymore.
Black has always been my color...
Guess that's the reason why...

Dont mind me.
I'm just blabbering nonsense...

It's sad that you don't seem concern about my injury at all...
Guess I no longer matters to you...
Wrongfully accused...
The purest of pain.

2007-09-17T03:46:00.000+08:00

Summer wind that's full of sorrow,
It came from my heart.
Unable to express myself,
Let wine be my companion.
Cold, night rain.
Its droplets fell onto this picture.
Looking back seems like a dream,
That's unmoving.
Trapped, missing you,
This faded picture.

Chorus:
Ah, like a flower that stopped blossoming,
Like frozen ice that's not cold.
It's seems like there's so much said.
Regretfully, I didn't comprehend.
Ah, perhaps the wine is losing its alcohol,
Or my heart's really empty.
Such that I can feel the tremors.

This picture,
I cant take my eyes off.
Hoping to find,
A rupture in the track of time.
Wilderness of the night,
Tells me it's hard to learn of your whereabouts.
Looking back is just a dream.
Trying to escape from missing you,
Yet you're deeply ingrained in my mind.

This is a translation of the chinese lyrics I posted earlier...

2007-09-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

Music is a very big part of me.
Songs that I love, always represents my soul.
I guess many of us are similar in this way.
However, it's sad for me to always get the feeling that no one can really understand or appreciate the songs that I love.

Many of my friends would comment that the songs I listen to are so sad...
Melancholic...
Even when I was young... I was drawn to the song Unchained Melody.
I was a big fan of the Heavenly king Jacky Cheung. I love his cantonese songs. I didn't understand the songs at all, not when I was barely out of primary school. Just loved the melodies. The passion in his voice.
Now when I re-visit the songs and looked up the lyrics, I could actually relate to them.
It's pretty amazing... to see what experiences in life can do to you.
They change your perspectives in life and the depth of your emotional perception.

Try understanding the lyrics of this song.
Maybe you'll get a better understanding of what I'm trying to say.

恼春风
我心因何恼春风
说不出
借酒相送
夜雨冻
雨点透射到照片中
回头似是梦
无法弹动
迷住凝望你
褪色照片中
啊
像花虽未红
如冰虽不冻
却像有无数说话
可惜我听不懂
啊
是杯酒渐浓
或我心真空
何以感震动

照片中
那可以投照片中
盼找到
时间裂缝
夜放纵
告知我难寻你芳踪
回头也是梦
仍似被动
逃避凝望你
却深印脑中
啊
像花虽未红
如冰虽不冻
却像有无数说话
可惜我听不懂
啊
是杯酒渐浓
或我心真空
何以感震动

啊
像花虽未红
如冰虽不冻
却像有无数说话
可惜我听不懂
啊
是杯酒渐浓
或我心真空
何以感震动

2007-08-27T08:16:00.000+08:00

I wanna move on.

To pursue my dreams.
A dream house - A mega big house with several rooms, coz I intend to share with my Sampan 'Wildthangs' Quartet. A porch big enough for 5 cars, a nice swimming pool at the back of the house to host our private parties for Grrls only!
A dream car - A sleek, black BMW Z4 convertible. Style and class.

Putting what's left of my heart aside now.
Like the monstrous octopus being in P.O.C, who kept his heart in a chest and stowed it away where no one else can find it.
I dont wish to be touched anymore.
I dont want to feel romance anymore.

Just wanna play solitaire.

2007-08-08T05:37:00.000+08:00

This is so DAMN funny and true... to a certain extent.

Virgo - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

You're incredibly thoughtful and able to give your partner what they need most.
You are totally logical. You can deal with problems without involving your emotions.
A good work ethic. You'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to make your relationship work.

Your negative traits:

Sometimes you are so focused on your goals that you let your relationships suffer
You tend to be a perfectionist - and expect perfection from your mate as well
You are picky. So picky that you rather be single than with someone who has a few minor faults.

Your ideal partner:

Values success in life as much as you do
Fits a checklist of qualities you've been looking for since childhood
Like you, is more practical and realistic than romantic

Your dating style:

Active. You're a bit hyper, so you'd prefer a date that involved rollerblading in the park or hiking.

Your seduction style:

You may seem a bit shy, but once you open up to someone - you're totally uninhibited
You like to set the scene first - candles, music, nice sheets
A bit obsessed with cleanliness, you may want to shower first with your love

Tips for the future:

Soften up a little. Vulnerability is sexy - and feels great over time.
Lower your standards a little. Look past a messy desk or someone being five minutes late.
Praise your partner more. You make expect them to be successful, but complements are still appreciated.

Best color to attract mate: Navy blue

Best day for a date: Wednesday

What's Your Love Profile?

I would like to correct a few points though...
1) I do not have a list of qualities that my partner has to fulfill before I fall in love... except one - Love me for who I am. As long as this woman can do this... PLUS chemistry and a 'meant to be' situation, I'm all yours, to keep for life.
2) Despite being a virgo, I'm not really shy. In fact, I'm too out-going for many girls to accept. It's sucks, and PPL, being friendly does not equate to being FLIRTATIOUS. Neither does being cheeky = PLAYER.
3) I can be logical. But I AM emotional too.
4) Virgos are generally easy to understand and pretty straightforward ppl. But I'm not just that. I'm a book with logical facts but you have to read between the lines to truly understand me. Decipher me.

2007-08-05T17:37:00.000+08:00

Once again...

I'm crucified.

How long more....

Before I'm bled dry....

Drive the nail in deeper.

Prolong my pain.... not.

Stop...

My still bleeding heart.

Beats are....

Getting faint...

2007-07-27T04:48:00.000+08:00

Have I reached the end of the circle?
Only to find myself back at square one
Back to you.

On the day of my convocation.
You're all that I could think of.
Totally overwhelmed by the tsunami of memories.
Memories of us.
Happy times, sad times...
It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
Since I've waited like a lifetime
To wear the funny looking gown.
Only to realise that I've also waited a lifetime
To meet someone like you.

You were so near, yet so far.
Cliche, but literally so true.
Hoping you'd come out after class
To take a picture with me.
To be with me, during the most important moment of my life.
But you were nowhere to be seen.
It was hard, trying to smile at the camera.
I went home early,
Tired, feet screaming from wearing three-inch high heels.
I went straight to my bed after shower.
Tears flowed immediately. Uncontrollably.

Tearing, I texted you saying that the day sucked.
You asked why. I replied coz you weren't there.
And it lead to an apology and dinner straight after that.
From feeling so damn low and lousy, you brighten up my day.
Seeing you again after so long...
Another realization hit me.

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

I sent you home after dinner.
Ended up staying over that night.
We talked about us... a few more tears shed.
Being so close to you... feels like coming home.
You snuggled up to me in the middle of the night.
I've never felt so at peace with the world.

Baby, I love you.

2007-07-23T03:26:00.000+08:00

Every now and then...
I come to a certain revelation about MY life, myself and the journey I've embarked on so far.
Feel as though I'm reaching the end of a circle.

Spoke to a senior of mine recently.
Superbly surprised at how much she has changed during the past 2-3 yrs.
From someone who was very devoted to love and relationships
She has become a player who plays with players too.
Something she said got stuck in my mind.
That she's taking time off from serious relationship
Trying to know more about herself and enjoy being single.

Lyrics of November Rain came into my mind at this moment as I'm typing.
"Do you need some time on your own?
Everybody need some time on their own?"

The scariest thing I've come to realise now is:
I've grown accustomed to being alone.
I no longer crave for any kind of special attachment with anyone.
I don't feel a kind of envy when I'm out with couples P.D.A-ing in front of me.
I feel NOTHING when couples passes me by.
Perhaps... I'm just too cynical.
Yeah, love's sweet, passionate, wild and overwhelming.
But it can be so excruciatingly painful, emotionally and mentally crippling.

All I'm thinking of is what's the point of having something that has an expiry date of its sweetness?

No point at all.
Especially not, when I still can't get past all the scars...

Who doesnt long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told.
Yes, who doesn't?
But then again, who's kidding who?
That's why I'm still on my own.

2007-07-18T16:22:00.000+08:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible MS. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Feeling very emotional today.
No idea why.
Perhaps it's because I saw a couple breaking up right in front of me last night.
And it brought back all the painful memories.
How I tried to get through that thick, defensive and stubborn barrier
You'd always erect when you're angry.
How painful it is to be blocked out by you all the time.
When I'm just trying to get to you.

Silence is the worst form of violence.
Especially when you behave like I dont exist.
At all.

Scarred. Beyond repair.
By loving you.

2007-07-15T13:01:00.000+08:00

Alot of things had happened during the past 2 weeks.
It's been an emotional, mental and physical rollarcoaster ride.
All will come to an end tomorrow.
Regarding my career path,
Whether I've been right or totally and disastrously wrong all along will come to light in less than 24 hrs.

My social life, in other words frens...
Weird is the word.
I've been playing the Love doctor for the past few weeks.
Giving out advices...
Trying to mend some broken hearts...
Or salvage a few dying relationships.
Tips to court a girl... blah blah blah.
WAH!
I'm tired!!!

IRONIC!!
I cant even handle my own relationship problems.
So why the hell am I dishing out solutions and suggestions to help others?
The scariest thing is...
They actually worked!

Sigh... was talking to YW.
And all the while I was thinking...
Why is it that everyone around me has someone to love or be loved by...
Except me?
Felt very empty inside.
Not totally empty... coz I know more about myself then I ever did before.
But life's still in shades of black and grey...
Where did all the colors go to?

Still so trapped in pain.
Still can't bear to talk about you.
How I wish...

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't she catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard.
Maybe I wished the love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?
Oh, my soul is crying, it's dying...
I'm trying to understand...
Please help me...

Emotions.

2007-07-11T15:16:00.000+08:00

It's over and done
but the heartache lives on inside...
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me, tonight?

I thought that from this heartache
I could escape.
But I've run long enough to know
There aint no way.
Cant nobody do it like you
Say every little thing you do
Hey baby,
Say stays on my mind
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But see there's something I just can't do
From the way that you hold me
To the sweet things you've told me
I just cant run away
To let go of you...

You said you hate me more and more each day
That I didn't spent with you.
Running around, moving on with my life
Just fine.

No, it aint the way you think it is.
But I refuse to let my life be at a standstill
Just for you.
I'm not the weak emotional fool that I once was.
That doesnt mean I love you any less.
But you're just too bitter to see this.
You'll understand my situation now, a year later.
There's alot more to life than love.
I want to share them with you.
Because I love you.

I wont force you since you're so adamant about this.
Letting you go is my gift of love to you.
Just want you to be happy.
Wherever you are.
Whoever you're with.

I hope and I pray,
Somewhere in your heart, I'll always stay.

Finally...

2007-07-08T00:29:00.000+08:00

Been searching for the ideal template for this blog... scanning through thousands of them in Blogskin... Felt like an idiot doing so... and was wondering...
'Oh my god, I didnt realise how much effort has to be put in to set up a blog ! Wow, many of my Blogger friends must have had alot of free time to do such things...'
Salute to you guys!!
Seriously, if anything were to happen to this blog of mine... I don't think I'll be bothered to blog anymore... Too much of a hassle!!
Been really tired the whole week... working at nights aint a good thing. Now I know why.
It's just difficult to sleep peacefully when there are people walking around in the house. Sigh...
Tired... emotionally and mentally...
Need a break... soon.

I wanna go shopping...
Get my hair done.
Before my convocation... sigh...
23rd July will be my official final day in NTU.
Time to say goodbye.
To you.