Wednesday, September 26, 2007
You know you can bring me up to the highest mountain, with just a touch.
You know you also have the power to put me down to the bottom of hell, with just one word.
If picking myself up and crumbling down again for a million times is the only way to prove my love for you is true, I will do it.
With your smiles, kisses that i tried all means and ways to obtain and touches that you gave unconsciously, I'll hang onto the tinniest glimmer of hope to have you back.
Because,
Holding you in my arms, feels like coming home.
Seeing you enjoy eating what I cook fills me with humility and contentment that I didn't know was possible.
Making you laugh and smile makes me feel complete.
When you rest your head on my shoulder as you sleep, I feel at peace with the world around me.
Holding your hand in mine, the jigsaw puzzles fit perfectly.
Your scent, clouds my mind and senses.
Your lovely, smooth skin on mine electrify my whole being.
To lovers, falling asleep with the one you love in your arms is a mundane thing.
To me, who's been falling asleep with the ghost of us, with you in my arms again for just one night.
It's God's gift.
Thank you.
Hollow
5:35 AM;
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sometimes, I'm feeling so much that I don't even know how to express myself...
Where to start from...
What to say...
Where to end
I'm listening...
I'm feeling...
I'm thinking...
But I'm not saying.
I want...
I need...
I yearn...
And I hope.
But it's not happening.
Maybe I've got too much time on hands now...
That I've got no where to run.
Yet I'm so tired of myself.
The endless layers of me.
It's really a lethal combination that I'm made of.
Virgo + Scorpio.
The logical, practical and optimistic me versus the emotional, intense and pessimistic me.
Do you know how it feels to always be at war with myself internally?
Torn apart.
It's warped. So morbidly warped.
Twisted. Tormented. Trapped.
In an invisible yet vivid web of intangible memories.
Life's at a standstill.
I stand motionless, in the colors black and white
Starring into space, blindly.
Hollow
5:32 AM;
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Damn... i'm typing with only one and a 'half' hand. Feels super invalid...
Cant pull up my pants when I finish my business in the toilet...
Cant cook cos I cant wash up after myself...
Cant feed myself proper too...
Cant open plastic bottles properly...
Cant wash the right side of my body properly while bathing... (thank god it doesnt itch!)
Cant put on my clothes easily too!!
Cant iron my clothes before i go out... ( so forgive me if I look unkempt to you)
Cant cut my fingernails on my right!!! (disgusting!)
Life sucks.
But Grandma, missy, Missy's mom and princess made life bearable and even enjoyable.
Thanks.
It's abit sucky to be down in a situations like this while my whole family is not in town!!
I feel bad when my grandma comes over and do the household chores i'm suppose to do but cant.
I hate it. I even have to fight with her to wash a cup!!
I don't like to see my grandma doing these things. She works as a janitor in the day. It's a tough occupation.
It breaks my heart when the image of my petite and fragile grandma washing toilets or cleaning up after someone creeps into my mind.
I love her to bits.
I know she loves me too and doesnt mind boiling water to make i have hot water to make a cup of coffeefor myself. But i dont even want her to carry the kettle full of water.
I know she doesn't like to be treated like she's really frail and wrinkled. But i just dont want her to do those heavy chores.
Sigh.
It really comforts my soul to have princess and missy-diva around.
I dont feel like i'm alone. thank you.
However, I realized there's different kinds of loneliness...
I remember feeling lonely when I was still with her... a long time ago...
I was happy but still lonely though she was by my side. A melancholic, sad kind of loneliness.
Knowing that the one I love so deeply, doesn't really understands me, my thoughts, my beliefs, my hopes and dreams.
But doubts my love for her perpetually.
Now surrounded by besties and buddies who do understands me and cares for me, I'm still lonely.
Not that I'm not understood... not that my dreams are not heard.
Mind you, I'm not complaining. Just writing what i'm feeling.
And this loneliness is strangely bearable... it's just that...
I miss the feel and the closeness of a lover's embrace...
Yet, I have no desire to commit myself to another anymore.
Black has always been my color...
Guess that's the reason why...
Dont mind me.
I'm just blabbering nonsense...
It's sad that you don't seem concern about my injury at all...
Guess I no longer matters to you...
Wrongfully accused...
The purest of pain.
Hollow
5:39 AM;
Monday, September 17, 2007
Summer wind that's full of sorrow,
It came from my heart.
Unable to express myself,
Let wine be my companion.
Cold, night rain.
Its droplets fell onto this picture.
Looking back seems like a dream,
That's unmoving.
Trapped, missing you,
This faded picture.
Chorus:
Ah, like a flower that stopped blossoming,
Like frozen ice that's not cold.
It's seems like there's so much said.
Regretfully, I didn't comprehend.
Ah, perhaps the wine is losing its alcohol,
Or my heart's really empty.
Such that I can feel the tremors.
This picture,
I cant take my eyes off.
Hoping to find,
A rupture in the track of time.
Wilderness of the night,
Tells me it's hard to learn of your whereabouts.
Looking back is just a dream.
Trying to escape from missing you,
Yet you're deeply ingrained in my mind.This is a translation of the chinese lyrics I posted earlier...
Hollow
3:46 AM;
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Music is a very big part of me.
Songs that I love, always represents my soul.
I guess many of us are similar in this way.
However, it's sad for me to always get the feeling that no one can really understand or appreciate the songs that I love.
Many of my friends would comment that the songs I listen to are so sad...
Melancholic...
Even when I was young... I was drawn to the song Unchained Melody.
I was a big fan of the Heavenly king Jacky Cheung. I love his cantonese songs. I didn't understand the songs at all, not when I was barely out of primary school. Just loved the melodies. The passion in his voice.
Now when I re-visit the songs and looked up the lyrics, I could actually relate to them.
It's pretty amazing... to see what experiences in life can do to you.
They change your perspectives in life and the depth of your emotional perception.
Try understanding the lyrics of this song.
Maybe you'll get a better understanding of what I'm trying to say.
恼春风
我心因何恼春风
说不出
借酒相送
夜雨冻
雨点透射到照片中
回头似是梦
无法弹动
迷住凝望你
褪色照片中
啊
像花虽未红
如冰虽不冻
却像有无数说话
可惜我听不懂
啊
是杯酒渐浓
或我心真空
何以感震动
照片中
那可以投照片中
盼找到
时间裂缝
夜放纵
告知我难寻你芳踪
回头也是梦
仍似被动
逃避凝望你
却深印脑中
啊
像花虽未红
如冰虽不冻
却像有无数说话
可惜我听不懂
啊
是杯酒渐浓
或我心真空
何以感震动
啊
像花虽未红
如冰虽不冻
却像有无数说话
可惜我听不懂
啊
是杯酒渐浓
或我心真空
何以感震动
Hollow
11:17 PM;
